Who Critiques The Critics? Who Trolls The Trolls?; or, The Adventures Of Spineless Asslicker

I haven’t updated this blog for a while – most of the writing I do these days ends up on either Drowned In Sound or Soundsphere Magazine. As such, I was surprised to get these two compelling missives from an anonymous individual writing under the pseudonym “Hopeless” – for the remainder of this article, however, we will give him/her (let’s be honest, it’s probably a him) the far more fitting moniker of “Spineless Asslicker”.

Spineless Asslicker 1

Spineless Asslicker 2

It’s clear from the timing of these comments that they’re in response to my review of Cherry Ghost’s most recent record Herd Runners – an album I wasn’t desperately impressed with, to be frank. Obviously frustrated by the fact that Drowned In Sound no longer allow direct comments on reviews, Spineless Asslicker was so enraged by my review that he went to the trouble of clicking through to my blog and writing comments on not one, but two articles! Now,  from the first sentence of his first comment, we might believe that Spineless Asslicker is a man of great intellect – this is undermined by the fact that he’s listed his email address as “youareshite@hotmail.com”, but let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. Note the condescending tone and the choice of the grammatically correct “whatever” over the more colloquial “whatsoever” – clearly, this is a man who holds his opinions in high regard. Of course, it all falls apart from there. His mockery of the fact that I “only have 200 followers on twitter” comes off like a man trying to win an internet dick-waving contest with no evidence to the fact that he actually has a penis. He then proceeds to call me “hopeless” and a “loser”, despite lacking the intellectual capacity to figure out what my job is for himself (said information is freely available on the internet, which is something he clearly has access to).

Oh, but Spineless Asslicker couldn’t stop there, oh no. He takes to another post to really stick the boot in – exhorting me to “give up” my “pretentious and uninteresting” writing as “no one cares what [I] think.” Well, excuse me while I throw my laptop out of the window and never type another word again… except, wait a minute. Here you are, Spineless Asslicker. Commenting on my blog… on a completely unrelated article on a totally different site. I don’t know about you, but that looks to me like someone cares just a little bit. I don’t exactly claim to be anyone important either, so the fact that you’d even give enough of a shit to react to my opinion amuses me.

Now, I tweeted a few things about the above comments – most of what I said I’ve covered already, but for the sake of completion, here are the tweets:

Now, it’s clear that Spineless Asslicker viewed the fact I responded to his comments as some kind of victory, as he then chimed in with the following:

Spineless Asslicker 3

Oh, so this was a test, was it? Well, thanks to your continued usage of fake email addresses and screen names, you’ve well and truly failed the “taking ownership of your opinions” test, Spineless Asslicker. And yet, you seem confused as to where you’re coming from with that fake email. If you’d “rather be a shit artists than a good critic,” are you admitting that you yourself are a shit artist? Am I now a good critic? Make your mind up.

I can only assume, Spineless Asslicker, that your intent with these comments was to make me so ashamed of my terrible writing that I would indeed give up. But nay, your words have had exactly the opposite effect – for if I can piss off idiots like you with my writing then that’s all the more reason to keep on doing it. So when you boil with impotent rage at another of the “pretentious and uninteresting” reviews written by this particular “loser”, know this – you brought it on yourself.


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