Banger Police: A Brief Summary Of ‘Bangerz’ by Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus - Bangerz

Miley Cyrus – Bangerz

In the current end of year list-o-rama, the Guardian’s list caught my eye for the wrong reason – namely that their writers managed to collectively rank Miley Cyrus‘s most recent album Bangerz above Jon Hopkins‘ incredible Immunity. But rather than spew ill-informed hatred, I decided I should at least listen to Miley’s record. For science. So, here’s what I thought of it…

…honestly, I should probably just put a funny gif here and have done with it, but here’s a track-by-track summary instead.

  1. Soppy ballad.
  2. Rihanna off-cut. (I’ve honestly been assuming that this was a particularly mediocre Rihanna song up until now.)
  3. Embarrassing attempt at ‘edgy’ rap.
  4. Comical country/rap fusion.
  5. Soppy ballad that shamelessly cribs from ‘Stand By Me’.
  6. I CAME IN LIKE A WREEEEECKING BAAAALL! (Probably the best thing on the album, for what little it’s worth.)
  7. Dross.
  8. Something cobbled together from the scraps from Daft Punk’s (turn)table(s).
  9. Miley Cyrus goes dubstep/soppy ballad hybrid.
  10. ‘Delilah’ with a dubstep chorus.
  11. Generic euphoria/hollow self-belief/terrible rapping/even more dubstep. “STAY IN YOUR LANE BITCH!”
  12. Soppy ballad.
  13. Rave rave rave, yawn yawn yawn.
  14. …fuck off, you really think I’m going to listen to the ‘bonus’ tracks?

In summary, you can quite safely get self-righteous about Immunity (or any other album of your choice) being better than Bangerz because Bangerz isn’t even “just good pop”, it’s just shit. You want a “banger” Miley? THIS is a “banger” – and also the perfect palate cleanser after having wasted 50 minutes of my life on your shitty record.

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